As I write today my focus over the last few days has been about support. And as I have been thinking about what my role is within this ginormous world, I started to realize how hard it is to not only give support to someone BUT to also receive support for ourselves. Not, quite a lightbulb went off, but I felt I needed to express myself on this topic because I live to BE support! And the type of support I give, is, well, kinda all over the place. It really depends on who needs me, whether it is family, friends, clients, etc.
In my world of family, I struggle as a mom mostly. The drain it takes on our bodies physically, mentally and emotionally can take us from the happiest of moments to down right depressing moods. And it doesn't matter what the ages of the children are, it is all the same. I know some might say smaller children are harder, or teenagers are harder, but lets face it...….we definitely play a role in how difficult our children can be. I mean, we are the ones placing boundaries, we are the ones saying no, we are the ones making pretty much every decision until they become self sufficient, and by the way we are ALSO the ones deciding WHEN they become self sufficient! I am not trying to bash us parents of the world, but in reality, every struggle we face has us involved in some way shape or form. (It is a decision after all.) And I, myself have had many run ins with society judging every decision I made as a mother. But, even after all I have done and will continue to do a mother, I must include that I am responsible for HOW my children or other people's children talk to and treat me. Now, I am not writing this to get into any type of debate, this blog is about support, so here is where I will begin.
As a mother, I always had this idea that I could be great! I could get it all done, I could be wherever they needed me to be, do whatever needed to be done, etc. Blah, blah, blah. After my second child, that went out the window along with my self care and my emotional stability! But anyway, not the point I am trying to make. I was always irritated when grandma would reach out and want to come over or want to pick up the kids so I could "take care of my house." I felt like such a loser that I couldn't keep it all together. WHY? Why would I be angry that someone was WILLING to come over to my house and take my children so I could have some uninterrupted time to catch up on laundry, dishes, etc? Isn't that crazy? But, every time she offered and showed up I was resentful. Was I upset because I wanted to be around my kids all the time? Was I upset because I didn't want anyone to see my house? Was I upset because I felt so alone?(even though their father helped out when he could after he got home from work.) At this point in my life, to me, it doesn't matter HOW I felt back then, but they are good questions for me to reference.
Now, lets fast forward a few years and look at a time that truly changed my life. In 2009, I was in great job, I made good money, I was traveling, in a lot of ways, I felt successful. Without going into a major story taking up the next 40 min of your life, I will keep it short. I had an unfortunate accident at work. I had a major head injury. This injury affected my nerves to the point of having semi permanent nerve damage. Now during that time I spend 8 months working only 1 hour a day. The pain was so bad between my neck, shoulders, back and legs that I couldn't sit, stand or walk without being in pain. I had some really great friends that took the time to help drive me around, make dinner for my kids, pick up and drop off my kids, lets just say I needed A LOT of help! And even though, I knew the accident produced major side affects to my mind and body, I STILL felt guilty of having anyone help me, and most of the time, I wasn't the one asking, my friends all came to me and just did things for me. I was truly blessed to have their support, but deep down, again, I felt like a failure.
Now, I could go on and on about different events in my life in which I have had the amazing support of family and friends, and even though the circumstances may be different, I always ended up having some of the same guilty feelings. WHY? Why do we allow ourselves to fee as though we are UNWORTHY of having help? WHY have we been conditioned to feel ashamed? This truly bothers me. Even now, in my life, I am definitely better about asking for help, but I still have events every now and then where I feel like I don't want anyone to know what is going on out of fear. Fear of feeling alone, fear of not being properly equipped. Fear of failing, etc. Where does all of this come from? Why do we always feel like we have to be perfect? And I know someone is gonna say, "I don't feel like I have to be perfect." But, yes, you do. In some situation, maybe not one like mine, you feel like your performance or outcome needs to be a specific way, meaning, perfect! Now, for me, I don't always feel like I need to be perfect, but in some situations, I can't help but want to be. Especially, when it comes to work. I want to do a good job. I want to know I am worth what I am getting paid. So, that is a great example of one circumstance where you may feel you need to be above the rest. Back to my current thoughts. Asking for help. Why does it seem like such a soul sucking thing to do? Why does asking for help become the LAST resort? I could spend hours talking about this subject, but I don't want to consume your entire day. I think I have realized a small amount of insight on this BIG topic. (At least for me.) I think asking for help puts us on an imaginary giving list. Meaning, every time we get help from someone, we automatically think in the back of our minds, "what will I have to do someday to help you?" Now, I am in NO WAY saying this to piss anyone off. But think about it. We subconsciously ALREADY put a thought into our head about what we will OWE someone. And who wants to OWE someone, right? But, it is what we do. Try to understand this. We have created an obligation in which we have no idea WHEN they will need help, or WHAT they will need help with or HOW they will need us. And that my friends is a FEAR we already put into our minds on our own without the help of anyone else. Now, let me be clear, I am NOT saying that we don't want to help anyone, because most of us LOVE helping others. But, what I am saying is that it is so much easier for US to determine what we help with, like when someone says, "hey, I just bought a house", and you say, "awesome, let me know when I can help." Or, "I have to work late." and someone says, "I can drop off your kids when I get mine." We have control over what we will provide as help or service to others. Do you see the difference?
Control plays an important role when it comes to us providing support to others. And support comes in many forms whether you are helping physically, mentally or emotionally. We need help or support in all areas, so we can make ourselves available when the need meets what we are willing to give. Now, I know there will be some out there who will immediately say, "I give without wanting anything." Maybe. But I feel like when we say that, it is situational. When you give freely, it is usually something or a situation that may not affect you in a major way. Such as giving money at church, or giving a ride to the grocery store, etc. However, the EGO is and will always be apart of you. EGO is always there every time you make a decision. So, once you have to face a decision to help that will affect you in a major way whether physically, mentally or emotionally, I guarantee, you will think before you agree to do or give anything whether is it time, money or energy. So, for me, I don't think anyone out there will just give to give. There is always a thought of "how will this affect me?" We just decide to either not take too much thought into it and answer immediately, or take the extra time to carefully understand the request before deciding what we are able to provide. And me personally, I do try to take my time with understanding because I want to make sure what I help with doesn't let me lose myself in the process. But, I also help others in very different ways as a energetic healer, so I do tend to be careful with what I can and can't do for others. Not to mention, it can be down right exhausting some days. And all it takes is one client, and I could need the next few days off!
Any whoo! I am sure as I write this, there will be those saying to themselves, "all I do is give and give and give, without nothing in return." Trust me, you are getting exactly what you ask for in return! What do I mean by that? I mean, if you think to yourself SUBCONSCIOUSLY, "I am going to help ,and this so and so is not gonna do what he says anyway." You will get just that! You have to subconsciously deserve something in return. If you think you won't get something in return, you won't. Because you said so. Isn't crazy to think you can make yourself unworthy of receiving? But, yes, it does happen. To A LOT of us. EVERY DAY! When we don't take the time to know our own worth. Others will use us for what we have and not see the value of what they are getting. And you should be able to spot those people right away. (The ones who only talk to you when they need something.) We give and get in life what WE decide we want to give and what we want to receive. So, now is the time to recognize WHO you are, WHAT your value is and HOW to get what you truly deserve from life and everyone in it. This process by the way is NOT easy. It takes conscious effort to step into the subconscious and bring the two together. When we can allow ourselves to use both we win every time. Life can be totally amazing when we use our physical, mental and emotional bodies exactly for what they are intended. Giving and receiving is apart of life. We NEED to give and receive. It is necessary for us to have balance of life. It is what we are here to do. We are here to give the world our unique gifts and in return we are here to receive other people's gifts to help us grow and understand ourselves and others in new ways. Experiences are what create beautiful long abundant lives. And we need as many as them as we can have to reach our full potential.
Take some time to understand yourself and your unique role within the universe, and you will start to understand the roles of everyone else. The balance of giving and receiving will restore you physically, mentally and emotionally. Learn to be consciously aware of why you are saying yes or no. The more you understand your why's the more you can create the balance that will help you be more successful within relationships between you, your family, your friends, coworkers, and the rest of the world!